Lessons in Surrender

Much of my practice focuses on helping people transition through a big life change, however they choose to define that. Interestingly, I launched it during a major transformation of my own. I am no stranger to ego death and existential crisis. I can’t tell you how many rebirths I’ve had, but this most recent one has felt most significant. Perhaps I am just at a point where I am more aware of what’s happening as I go through it.

The major catalysts this time were an ever deepening spiritual practice, a doomed and fated romance that inevitably ended in heartbreak, both of which gave me the courage and desperation to shed a lot of fear that was keeping me stuck. New agers might call this an awakening, to me it’s just a natural evolution. I very much relate to snakes who shed their skin as they grow. The bigger they get the more skin they have to shed, it’s all a natural progression.

I very much relate to snakes who shed their skin as they grow. The bigger they get the more skin they have to shed, it’s all a natural progression.

I took a month off from my very good, very stable job to go to Mexico. I went back to a place that spoke to me and also carried traces of the man who broke my heart. I knew not to expect anything - mercury would be retrograde, my fallen mars was going to be heavily activated, all astrology-speak to say that chaos and shenanigans were in store - and yet the trip went nothing like I expected. I went there hoping to return with a clear plan and sense of direction. What happened was a relentless lesson in surrender. 

One of the ways I manage my anxiety is to try and control what is within my power to control. Sometimes I forget what is up to me and what is not. The universe reminded me that - in fact - very little is within my control and learning to swim with the current and the tides sometimes means you don’t always get to the shore in the most direct way. But if you go with the flow, you won’t drown trying to get there.

My month by the beach in Mexico felt like a farewell. Farewell to my past, farewell to whatever illusions and fantasies I held about the future, to the ideas I had about who I was and what I deserved. It was a farewell to my old skin. There was a lot of grief and mourning involved. And a lot of fear. I’ve never been so scared of something so invisible. So intangible. There is fear in letting go, there is fear in surrender, and there is fear in meeting yourself as you are. 

I thought being back in an international environment would rekindle my desire to move out of the US. Instead, I felt homesick. I thought I would write a lot and maybe get my next collection together. Instead, I encountered a lot of silence and stillness. I thought I would have a business plan, something tangible to guide me out of stagnation. Instead, I had only whispers of something new and an inner knowing that I just needed to take the leap. I thought I already knew myself and my flaws. I found out that there is so much more of me to discover and unveil. Now, that… that is some scary shit. 

Luckily, during my first three weeks, I quickly befriended two older women at my Airbnb who felt like spirit guides incarnate. I’m still unpacking what I learned from each of them. Trying to synthesize or express those lessons feels too cliché. The significance is really in the nuance and timing of our encounters at this particular point in my life. All to say, I am grateful for my time with them because it made the very last week, where I was alone in the solitude of the monsoons, all the more bearable. Everything happens right on time and surrendering to the current allows you to savor the journey. It also allows you to focus more on gently guiding the rudder, rather than relentlessly rowing the boat. 

Focus more on gently guiding the rudder, rather than relentlessly rowing the boat.

I am not who I was when I left New Mexico in August. I am more myself. I am braver. I am surrendering. And, slowly, I’m learning how to open myself up to receiving what the universe offers. I’m learning to trust. If you find yourself at a crossroads and full of fear, give yourself some grace and compassion. These are not easy moments. But they are merely moments. Have faith and, even when it’s scary, trust yourself.