Boundaries: The key for healthy human interactions

Many of the fears and discomforts we experience in human connection are rooted in unclear boundaries or concern that our boundaries will not be respected.

Let’s talk about mind-reading, communication, and using boundaries to help us build connection, rather than block it. 

Mind-reading

One of the challenges with navigating boundaries is the misguided assumption of mind-reading. Mind-reading is where we expect people to “just know” our boundaries and expectations.

Sometimes this comes from a discomfort with having needs and/or expressing them. It’s easier on our nervous system when people meet our needs and respect boundaries without us having to say anything. 

Sometimes this comes from a narrow worldview where we assume shared experiences and values. When people don’t respond how we expect them to, it feels like a personal attack or slight. 

The reality is, nobody knows what you expect from them unless you tell them. Nobody knows what is important to you unless you illustrate that in a clear way to others. Respect and disrespect are culturally nuanced, so we can’t assume it looks the same to everyone. 

Some of us may be good at reading between the lines and picking up on indirect or non-verbal cues. In my experience, most people are not that perceptive. This is why communication is a skill that requires practice. 

Whether you find it anxiety-provoking or tedious, it’s important to clearly articulate your needs and expectations with others. Especially if that relationship is important to your livelihood or your heart. 

Boundaries and connection

One of the frustrating narratives in pop psychology land is that boundaries are about separation or cutting out relationships. This is an incomplete truth. 

Hard boundaries that sever connections or burn bridges are meant to be a last resort. They are meant for people who make you physically and psychologically unsafe. 

Discomfort and conflict generated from differing needs, opinions, culture, or personality are not a safety threat. 

Now, this is not to say that you have to make nice with anyone you dislike or disagree with. It just means that isolating yourself from them is not necessary. You can have clear and effective boundaries that allow you to interact with and connect with others, despite your differences. 

Boundaries

Understand that boundaries are not rules. A rule is "You cannot talk to me this way." Rules seek to control how other people behave. A boundary is about you, your needs, and your desires. For example "I will no longer participate in this interaction if someone speaks to me this way." 

You cannot control others thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. You can only control how you respond to an interaction or situation. That is what boundaries mean in the context of human relationships. Recognizing what you can control and deciding how you want to respond in different situations. 

There are hard boundaries - which are non-negotiable - and soft boundaries. A hard boundary might be, I do not work on weekends. Basically any situation where your response is ‘no.’ as a complete sentence is a hard boundary. 

A soft boundary may be: I don't typically answer the phone after 6pm, but I will when I feel it's necessary. Or I will not engage with this person, but will respond respectfully if they engage with me. 

An example from my work life:

Hard boundary - I will not do any work that is not defined or included in my contracted scope of work.

Soft boundary - I will work with clients to problem-solve and discuss options for any requests or tasks that arise beyond my contracted scope of work. 

You can translate this to any type of relationship. The key is understanding what you need and determining what your deal breakers are (hard boundaries) and where you have room to negotiate and work with others to meet their needs and expectations (soft boundaries). 

People often stop after hard boundaries, but don’t consider their soft boundaries. They play to extremes of either all hard boundaries or no boundaries whatsoever. This breeds resentment, overwhelm, and loneliness.

If you are feeling resentful or overwhelmed by a soft boundary, it means it needs to be reevaluated. Evaluate your stressors and your needs. Then you can determine what needs to be communicated and to whom. It’s an iterative process, but it’s one that serves our interactions with others from a place of connection.